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Published on: 4/25/2007
Last Visited: 4/25/2007
WHO IS DR BONGO?
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AN INTERVIEW WITH DR BONGO
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An Interview with Dr Bongo
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It was with great excitement and considerable trepidation that I accepted the invitation to interview Doctor Adolphous Bongo on the occasion of the imminent release of his latest book, 'DeathPractice'.Doctor Bongo is well known for writing many well-received medical textbooks, as well as a number of self-help guides and a couple of DIY manuals.It is only relatively recently that he has ventured into fiction.Nevertheless, his series of thrillers featuring the popular Nick Farrow character - the 'Ninja Doctor' - has proved incredibly successful.
Not surprisingly, Doctor Bongo is much in demand these days, and I was grateful for the opportunity to visit him at his home.And what an impressive home it is.In 1995 Doctor Bongo bought himself a sprawling gothic manor house in Cambridge, but finding that he didn't like the neighbours, he had it moved, stone by stone, to its current location on the outskirts of Canterbury.
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It would perhaps be unfair to suggest that such keenness stems from a fear of reprisals, but the common wisdom is that it is best not to get on the wrong side of Doctor Bongo.There are stories - never substantiated, but persistent nonetheless - of people falling foul of the good doctor and never being seen again.Children are often told that Doctor Bongo will come and get them if they are naughty.Such warnings are fanciful and absurd but as the house comes in sight, with it macabre carved reliefs and the twin spires stabbing violently up into the bruised purple sky, it becomes easier to imagine strange and unnatural acts taking place in some dark, soundproofed chamber within.
I find a parking space adjacent to the large stone fountain that stands opposite the grand entrance steps.The fountain's centrepiece is a huge statue of a man wearing a long coat, with a stethoscope draped around his neck and his chin tilted skyward in an attitude of nobility.Some hero of Doctor Bongo's perhaps?An inspirational figure from history, or even a personal mentor?No - as the light falls across the finely chiselled features, I see that it is Doctor Bongo himself.
But there is no time to admire the statue.A butler is already waiting to escort me to Doctor Bongo, who waits for me in his study.I find him seated in a large leather armchair, colouring in a copy of The Lancet with a felt tip pen.He puts it down as I enter, smiles professionally and motions me to a seat.
"That will be all, Ferningly," Doctor Bongo tells his butler.
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Doctor Bongo spits the word back at me.
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Doctor Bongo narrows his eyes and his lip curls ever so slightly into a snarl.
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"No, you're not, are you," Doctor Bongo says."I'm the doctor.I'm the one with the certificates.
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"Course you fucking don't, you're not a doctor," Doctor Bongo insists.
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"Thought so," Doctor Bongo says, nodding.
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"No, no you don't," says Doctor Bongo.
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I nod and Doctor Bongo pulls his chair closer and stares into my eyes.He mutters to himself, nods and then sits back."Thought so," he says.
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I write Doctor Bongo a cheque and he folds it neatly and slips into his top pocket.He then hands me a phial of yellow liquid, which I drink immediately.
"Feeling better?"he asks.
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"You see, this is what being a doctor is all about," Doctor Bongo says, pointedly patting the cheque in his pocket.
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"Well, it's very simple," Doctor Bongo explains.
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Doctor Bongo replies emphatically.
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"No, I go behind a screen," Doctor Bongo explains.
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"Well, no," Doctor Bongo admits.
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Doctor Bongo is hopeful that the film will be a success and will spawn a whole series, perhaps even rivalling James Bond.But he is unwilling to talk about it any more.He's plugged his book and as far as he is concerned, the interview is now at an end.Besides, he has to be on the movie set early tomorrow morning in his capacity as Executive Producer.
He walks me to the front door and as I pause on the doorstep to thank him for his time, I ask Doctor Bongo one last question: how, as a relative newcomer, did he manage to wangle himself such an influential position within the Hollywood hierarchy?
Doctor Bongo smiles."Oh well," he says with a slight shrug of the shoulders as he begins to close the door.
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