Sober Musings: Gone to Florida -
[Cached Version]
Published on: 5/15/2007
Last Visited: 5/15/2007
Dan still wasn't exactly sure why he did it, but the sun hovered low in the sky as the smoke billowed upward from the smoldering carcass of his now destroyed Dodge Durango.He lit a cigarette and turned towards the horizon.Wondering where he would go now, he looked back one more time and smiled at the sight of the empty gas can.He started walking....
Comments:
...towards the gas station that was a quarter of a mile away from his now destroyed Durango.He wasn't quite sure how he had gotten to be where he was, as he smoked his cigarette and realized that he didn't smoke, and stomped it out.Dan had one of those moments where he was like dude, how did I get here? what am I doing??? what happened?!
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Dan was relived to see someone else.
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Dan stopped didn't ask about the briefcase at all, but wondered still.
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Dan checked his pockets, he didn't have any money, just his License, and 14 Old Style bottlecaps, strange thought Dan.Then the realization that he didn't have any money and would have to borrow money from his little brother.Just as he left the bathroom, he noticed his hat, which said "2005 World Series Champions: Chicago Cubs".He had forgotten about that, which seemed like days ago.Dan went to ask Greg for 20 bucks or something, and noticed he was drinking a 40oz,with a paper bag of course.Dan asked Greg for the money, and Greg unlocked the briefcase and reminded Dan, that he had won $50,000 in Vegas two nights ago.A stunned Dan, asked where the heck are we man?
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Greg had reminded Dan that the Cubs had won the World Series vs the LA Angels of Anaheim.
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Greg also reminded him about how Dan had driven right into a demolition derby, and a police chased ensued until the Utah border, where police just gave up....then the two brothers reflected and sighed, and walked off into the horizon drinking their 40's...with nowhere to go...
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During the haze of spring break, Dan and Greg were able to connect to a wide constituency.
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After no-confidence vote, Dan and Greg were elected on the platform "2 Americas: Those with beer and those without.
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Dan sits in the oval office and signs the first piece of legislation, which says ...
Posted by: Boettcher at March 3, 2005 06:53 AM
....the 12th day of each month will be recognized as a national holiday celebrating the future accomplishments of Big Papa.Unlike Cashmere Polasky day, all citizens must actively celebrate the holiday with joyous music and body painting.
After appointing a special commission to enforce the Big Papa holiday festivities, Dan sat down to write the next great American novel which was about ...
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Dan had a notion to head up North to Wisconsin to pay a visit to his sister's family, so they hopped on the Harley dressed in their finest cruising clothes.
They got about half way there when......
Posted by: Drunken Sister at March 8, 2005 08:25 AM
...After diligently removing all the tiny drops of sweat that has collected behind his Top-Gun-esque shades, Dan attempted to dismount is new Harley.Yet, nothing.Although he could freely move his legs and even part of his thighs, Dan was unable to walk away from his bike.He pondered, "Is my love for my bike such that I am physically unable to leave it?Is that even possible?"He looked back at Lanique with furrowed brows that clearly asked for either assistance or an explanation.He could tell she knew.
"It's your ass-less chaps, Dan."
Indeed.Considering the leather trimmed seats, Mother Nature's humid breathe, and his semi-homoerotic fashion sense, Dan had blended himself quite the cocktail.
"No," he said, refusing to believe Lanique's asinine claim (Dan knew she secretly hated the chaps and believed her to be the reason was unable to find his vintage polka-dotted pair, circa 1967)."It's just a cramp."Once again he attempted the dismount, this time rocking to bike to the ground.As he caught his breath and removed the gravel from the creases in his elbow, Dan realized something was wrong.
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upon pulling himself off the bike, Dan realized he was going to need new pants, but most of his cash was already spent on extremely dangerous drugs.
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The only thing that really worried Dan was the ether.There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge.And he knew they'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
They started back on the road again.
Lanique saw the hitchhiker long before Dan did."Let's give this boy a lift," she said, and before he could mount any argument she was stopped and this poor Okie kid was running up to the bike with a big grin on his face, saying, "Hot damn!I never rode in sidecar before!"
"Is that right?"Dan said.
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"No more of that talk," Dan said sharply."Or I'll put the leeches on you."She grinned, seeming to understand.Luckily, the noise on the bike was so awful -- between the wind and the radio and the tape machine -- that the kid in the side car couldn't hear a word they were saying.Or could he?
How long can they maintain?Dan wondered.How long before one of them starts raving and jabbering at this boy?What will he think then?This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family.Will he make that grim connection when Lanique starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the bike?If so -- well, they'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere.
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So Dan began to tell the story of how he and his brother scored tickets to game four of the World Series last October, where they witnessed the culmination of the Cubs sweep of the Florida Marlins.Dan told of the celebration trip to Vegas, the explosion, the gambling and the surprise detour to Washington, D.C.
Three weeks on the road in a motorcycle certainly wore on Dan, and he was covered with road grim and dirt.Despite the filth that covered his face and the latex body suit, the hitch hiker suddenly realized that he was in the presence of President Elect Asleson and the First Lady, both of whom had went missing just days after the inauguration.No amount of previous life experience can prepare a man for such a close and candid interaction with the Leader of the Free World.If the hitch hiker sensed the ether on the President's breath, he didn't say anything.Instead, he merely continued to stare in disbelief and nod after each phrase.
President Asleson sensed the realization of the hitch hiker, and continued to tell of his sudden rise to power, the accompanying panic that set in, and his sudden disappearance from the White House just weeks ago.Dan even briefly mentioned the recent drug binge, taking comfort in knowing that at least one previous President shared a similar dark drug past.
Just speaking aloud what he had kept inside for so long was therapeutic for the President.The First Lady wept openly as Dan told of his struggles.The hitch hiker spoke only these four words: "Everything will be alright."
Dan realized that everything would indeed be alright, but only if he could pull himself out of the drug binging and self pity.It was a sobering moment.He pulled the motorcycle over on a lonely stretch of Wisconsin highway and stepped off the bike.
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Years later at a summit held to negotiate the peaceful resolution of two warring Middle Eastern countries, Dan would tell the story of the hitch hiker and urge the opposing parties to consider the difference just one person can make in changing the world.
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It documents one of the great products of our species: President and Cub fan Dan Asleson.As the foremost historian of the Asleson administration, I am very happy to write the postlude to this epic work about the life of Dan.
I first met Dan when he was a boy scout at Loud Thunder Scout Camp.I was several years older than Dan, but I must say I was impressed how he kept up with the other boys despite the fact that he wore those platform shoes and the miniskirt.
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Of course, historians for generations will question whether or not Dan should have appointed Lanique and her llama's as members of the Joint Chiefs, and some may even second guess the attempt to return steroids to baseball.But, very few can deny the wisdom exhibited by Dan, when he ordered Gregg Asleson to marry the Pope, thereby ending the same sex married debate and relieving the sexual frustrations of priests across the world, since they all would b
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